Mentoring with Authenticity

'You may feel agreeing is part of your job, yet won't always do so. That's authenticity.'

That was my horoscope on Tuesday. The day after I got officially bounced from the mentoring program I recently volunteered for. (In all actuality, I fired them first.) My crime? The usual. Questioning the system. Generally, people don't like that very much.

After filling out an application, gathering references (thanks to all who took the time to write them), scheduling an in-house interview, spending a beautiful July Saturday inside at a required training, and moving up the line of command at the Providence Police Department to get my background check, I was finally matched. On paper, it seemed like a can't miss. But face to face, in a one hour meeting, the chemistry wasn't right. Nobody's fault. It's just a fact of life.

The problem? The agency was not willing, or able, to deal with such a rare occurrence.

I could have just walked. Left without a trace. But that's not my style. So I tried to explain the situation, even offering to be rematched. Their response? It seemed to come straight from the policy manual on how to deal with awkward first meetings. Only the issue had nothing to do with awkward first meetings. It had to do with personalities. With individuality. With the same things that affect all relationships, not just those of mentors and mentees.

To me, this alone seemed like an important life lesson. Not everyone can, will or should get along. The truth of the matter is, this girl deserved better. Someone who was committed to her cause. Who could relate to her as a person. Not just a warm body going through the motions.

I decided to officially opt out when my commitment was questioned, because plain and simple, that's just insulting. And when I was told that they 'couldn't possibly risk hurting another youth with me' that just sealed the deal. And made me laugh. A lot.

Truth of the matter is, I've done this a time or two before. My track record goes back to 2006, when I was brilliantly paired, at another program, with a little girl, who has since grown into a beautiful, smart young woman.

How do I know? Well, she happened to call me on the EXACT SAME day the new program was busy assessing my mentoring abilities and personal character. No accidents. And after a year and a half of living apart, we have already picked up where we left off. Independent of any program.

Commitment and dedication? Please.

So, as the director firing me explained that 'it wasn't personal' and she 'hoped there would be someplace else better suited to my needs', me and my girl, the one I already had a six year relationship with and counting, had already worked that out.

Beyond The Headlines

To some (unfortunate) people, life is black and white. Good or bad. Right or wrong. They're the headline readers of life. The ones who only see the big picture, never looking past it for another layer. They avoid digging deeper for the details, because they've got it all figured out.

Even when they don't.

The headline from our yard, late Sunday night: Man Destroys Fence. Police Respond.

The facts: We spied someone, who we did not know, violently trying to tear down a section of our fence at 11PM. The same one it took two years to install and two (long, hot) days to stain this summer. We went all Code Red: Andre ran outside sans shirt. I called the police.

We would have been well within our rights to press charges. To pick up the broken wooden pickets, while the responding officer charged the perpetrator. Call it a night.

But neither my husband nor I are ever content to accept things at face value.

By the time the officer arrived, we had already taken ourselves beyond the reflex action stage, totally based on anger, and uncovered much more of the story. Turns out the kid in question was in a whole lot of emotional pain. His mom died. And he was grieving. So he took it out on our fence. Granted, this doesn't excuse his actions. But it does explain them.

Andre gave his condolences. He and the young man shared a calm conversation on the sidewalk in front of our house about the importance of properly channeling your emotions. And how people work hard for what they have. It was a teachable moment. For everyone.

My point? It's a rare story that fits into a neat box, no matter who the starring characters are. So, you can either decide to accept the visible version as an absolute truth. Or demonstrate the fortitude to challenge your assumptions and what you think the ending should be.

The choice? All yours.

Here She Is...

Did you happen to catch the Miss USA pageant on Sunday night? You know, the one that Miss Rhode Island--MISS RHODE ISLAND--won? Woot. Woot. Indeed, that was shocking enough 'round these parts, but more interesting to me was the final question posed to Miss Ohio, Audrey Bolte, by Judge Marilu Henner.

Henner asked, "Do you think women are depicted in movies and on television in an accurate and positive way? And please give us an example."

Miss Ohio, I got this one.

Granted, I'm not dealing with the high pressure stakes of live tv, but the answer seems real easy. An accurate or positive portrayal? Hell to the no. The no-brainer example: 'The Real Housewives' series on Bravo. When was the last time that you had screaming fests with your 'girlfriends', then continued to invite them over for a glass of wine, week after week?

Miss Ohio's take? Slightly different. Her reply:

"I think it depends on the movie. I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role and then some movies that put them in a little bit more of a negative role. But by the end of the movie, they show that woman power, that I know we all have. Such as the movie Pretty Woman. We had a wonderful, beautiful woman Julia Roberts, and she was having a rough time, but you know what, she came out on top and she didn't let anybody stay in her path."

Hmmm.

Initially, when I was alerted to this controversy, by my man on the pop culture scene, otherwise known as my husband, Andre, I was shocked and awed. And not in a good way. But the more I thought about it, the more that I realized that it wasn't Miss Ohio's fault that she chose this fairy tale of a streetwalker to illustrate the positive portrayal of women in film. At all.

It's ours.

My epiphany came courtesy of a recently viewed documentary called Miss Representation. Writer/director Jennifer Siebel Newsom sets out to examine and expose how mainstream media not only works as the most persuasive force in our country, but also contributes to shaping our cultural norms.

And not in a good way.

The overriding message that's being showcased over the airwaves? That a woman's value and power lie in her youth, beauty and sex appeal. Not her intelligence. Not her drive. Not her problem solving ability. Not her independence. And certainly not in her ability to work out of whatever her current predicament may be.

Without the help. Of Richard Gere.

There's a whole lot of reasons for this, but one, as explained by Miss Representation, is that only three percent of clout positions in mainstream media are held by women. So those Hollywood stories marketed as stories of female empowerment, aren't really stories of female empowerment after all. The same way that Pretty Woman, well, isn't.

And on a national stage, you, Miss Ohio just proved a powerful point. Only it wasn't the one that you were aiming for.

And Now A Word For The Graduates...

Watch out Class of 2012---I may just wander onto a podium near you. And read this:

Congratulations Class of 2012.

Yay! You did it.

Now savor it for a second. Okay, a weekend even, but for the love of god, please don't cap it off here. Go forth. Work on improving your bad-ass eighteen year or twenty-two-year-old self. Because if these are the best years of your life--forever--you're doing something wrong.

No seriously. Boo-hoo for you. Trust. You don't want to live in the past. There's a huge difference between reflecting back on your accomplishments and pining for your lost youth. Whatever your biggest achievement has been to date, you need to up it. Once, twice, three times shoot.

You don't want to be that forty-five-year-old dude, still basking in those glory days of high school. Go on, do the math. That's more than thirty years since said guy actually made some memories worth remembering. And is there any reason that depression is at an all time high?

The truth is, you don't have to lose your youthful spirit. Really. No, really. Those rules of adulthood? They'll try to creep in. The shoulds. The musts. But the truth is, outside of paying your mortgage on time, there really isn't a whole lot that's important. The other stuff? Just lame. Keep being curious. And enthusiastic. And wear a bikini as long as you can rock one.

You get the drill.

But the real secret? Always walk the path that's right for you. Easy enough? Eventually, maybe. But here's the thing. At the beginning, those who think they know what's best, for not only you, but for everyone else in this whole wide world, will be shouting the virtues of that traditional roadmap.

Yup. More of those shoulds. And musts.

Go ahead. Blame that genius, who once upon a time, decided that life doesn't fall oh so neatly in line when you're allowed to just play it out as an adventure. You need a guide. Or a series of carefully crafted benchmarks that generations before you, and generations after, have used to help them find their way. And gauge success. What's up next? Well, it all depends where you are on that timeline. You've got your education, or at least part of it. So it's on to a great job. Then marriage? Of course. House? Naturally. Kids? Why the hell not.

Keep to the plan and you can bet there will be no trouble. No conflict. No contest. It makes folks feel better when you're doing things at the same pace that you're 'supposed to.' It's when you start to deviate that you'll really start to shake people up. And make them feel uncomfortable. They'll start wondering what the hell is wrong with you. And why 'you' are not more like 'us.'

Take comfort in the discomfort, my friend, because that's how you'll know you're on the right track. That you're living life authentically. Going against the grain will make you stronger, for the simple reason that you'll have to define who you are. And own it. And shake off all of the people who just want you to be easy. And predictable. And 'normal.'

Because, really, where's the fun in that?

Life On and Off a TV Set

Maybe I was just cranky because I hadn't finished my first cup of coffee.

Highly doubtful.

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off, and just think in single words, like a squirrel: Nut. Hungry. Car.

Nope.

Instead, my overactive noggin' goes deep into contemplation mode, even before 9am, considering stuff like the great societal implications of a new Cover Girl commercial starring Sofia Vergara and Ellen DeGeneres.

The two funny ladies doubled up recently for this thirty second spot promoting some sort of two-in-one concoction. I wasn't even really paying attention until I heard Sofia say, "That's what I was supposed to say now." To which Ellen responded, "Well, no one can understand you."

The camera panned to Sofia, the beautiful Colombian actress and star of Modern Family, who gave some sort of self-depreciating, shy smile, like, oh, silly me.

If it stopped here, I could have let it go. But of course it didn't.

In the next frame, Ellen continues to mock Sofia's English, first saying, "See, that's what I was talking about. See, what did you just say?" But then it goes way over the top, with Ellen stuttering her version of a Spanish accent.

Pause and watch. I'll wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7YzJr3ZJu0&NR=1&feature=endscreen

Now tell me, which part of this is okay?

Granted, I understand Sofia has developed her schtick from being cheeky, self-effacing and difficult to understand. I get that Sofia, as a Latina, has the right to make fun of her accent, all the way to the bank. I also comprehend both ladies are comediennes, acting in a scripted piece.

But you'd think that somewhere in the creative process, someone, anyone, would have paused and said, hmmm, if we lived in a world that could tell the difference between satire and stereotypes, we'd be okay. But we don't, so let's work out another angle for this advertisement.

Think the modern viewer isn't making assumptions from what they see on tv? Think again.

One of my girlfriends, born and raised in Puerto Rico, has lived on the mainland for 20 years. She speaks Spanish and English fluently. Yes, with an accent. Recently, while talking to her son, a girl approached and said, "Hey, you talk just like that woman on Modern Family. Do you live near her?"

Her son replied, "No, we don't live on a TV set, stupid."

These words? They bear repeating.